I was supposed to be logging on to write a summary for Uni but I when realised that it’s World Mental Health Day, I had to say something first. So I just started writing.
I was an anxious child, an anxious teenager and I am now a slightly less anxious adult. Sometimes I wish I had a story to tell about the day that set off my anxiety. There’s so much on the news and all over social media saying that this world is making us anxious, and for some that’s true. I feel your pain but I’m not sure you feel mine.
I can’t pinpoint that moment where it all started. Was I born like this? People talk about coping mechanisms and meditation but if there’s actually something wrong with my brain the truth is I should probably just stick to medication forever – medication that I’m not even sure works.
If it works then it must be working right now, which means I have to admit I’m just a horrible person sometimes. I let things get to me and take it out on my loved ones – and that’s a short list of people. That’s not the anxiety, that’s me. Or maybe there’s no difference between the two.
Sitting with my best friend is the only time I feel like someone truly understands. Two people who have grown up to lead pretty different lives, connected by their enemy, which seems to give them the same loves and hates. The same fears.
I write. That’s what I do. I’m so sorry to anyone that doesn’t see it as a release because I don’t know what I’d do without it. Then again I’m not so great at expressing myself out loud. My words get mixed up. My fear comes out as anger, and everything else comes out as tears.
I don’t want sympathy for this. I don’t want to feel normal, that’s boring. I’d just like to cope better, be that person people can rely on. I’m sick of judging people because they’re not in as much pain as me, or feeling judged by someone who knows someone who has it worse.
I don’t have it bad at all really. I’m building a pretty good life for myself. It’s just a bit… bumpy.
I’d like a little more patience from some. But I know I also need to be a lot more patient too. I want more of those days when I can hold my head up and smile at strangers. It sounds like a cheesy movie but it works. Just like when you shoved past that person on the train, you may have pushed them straight back into their bad mood.
Remember some people can’t differentiate between a bad mood and a bad life. Sometimes I can’t.
I guess the point in this day is to just be aware of others. I’m not great at that but I will try harder because I’ve always thought you should treat others as you want to be treated.
That whole ‘it’s ok not to be ok‘ thing – I quite like that. It feels reassuring. You shouldn’t have to paste on a happy face all day just so you don’t make others feel uncomfortable… oh and it reminds me of that My Chemical Romance song – I’m Not Okay.
I don’t care what anyone thinks of that kind of music, when I was a teenager its message was so important to me.